im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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