I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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