Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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