just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
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Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
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Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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