guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
