the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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