Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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