Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
