my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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