How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just invented taco cereal.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
