He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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