i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.