Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
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He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
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My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.