Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.