Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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