Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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