Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
