I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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