I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
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