I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
