is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
