Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize