so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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