Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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