Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
