i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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