WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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