Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
