So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
