i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
