Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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