Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
