If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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