you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
