oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
