she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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