no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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