i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
