My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
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No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
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Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
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