you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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