Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
