So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
