i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
