apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
