I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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