I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
