I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
