I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
