oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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