I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?