there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
