oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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