Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
