I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
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I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
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Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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