I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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