I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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