there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
