She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
