ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
